Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Stuck in the mud, LITERALLY!

I was talking to my doctor about how i have been lately. Mood, pain, concentration, things of that sort. A midst telling her I feel like crying, I actually started crying. Thankfully we were doing this all via text so she had no idea. It might help my disability case if she saw me fall apart but I still cant let go of trying to be the same person i was before. Strong, impenetrable..., I know I need to work on this but no matter how hard i try and how far i come..
                                  So I guess I'm in a bad place right now. I have been in so much pain lately an as usual I just push through and keep going, occasionally laying in the bed until my mind gets so overwhelmed with the things i have to do i get back yup and im at it again. I don't feel like I ever get rest and Im always tired, always in pain. I feel like I try all day, i switch the laundry, then sit down, then get up and load the dishwasher, sit down, get up and clean the bathroom, sit down, up to cook dinner, sit down, clean up after dinner, sit down, then back up to empty the dishwasher and grab the laundry, read my kids books for bed, only to sit down again and fold the laundry. None of this seemed like work BEFORE. None of it was so exhaustion BEFORE.  No one knows how much it hurts all the time and I cant keep complaining about it.But I feel like I talk to myself all day about the pains, the anger, the sadness. I feels like a balloon that gets bigger and bigger and its so streatched out beyond capacity that you know its going to burst at any second...but it doesnt. It just grows and grows and keeps hurting and and you cant stop it. Like a having the most horrific itchy bug bite and your hands are tied so cant scratch it. Its MADDENING. If you could put the feelings into a scream it would be so blood curling, well..if you have fibro you know. I get sick of hearing myself, imagine what my husband thinks.On a very bad day I will do more resting, but still have to stagger it among taking someone to school, park, dance, groceries or what ever..I'm thankful I have the kids sometimes just for the fact that it prevents me from sitting around all day turning into a blob. In my mind I hold resentment for the fact I have to do these things when i feel completely and utterly beaten down. In my heart I miss being excited about doing all these things and it makes me feel sad. I feel like my kids are getting ripped off of the best parts of me because I'm too tired or sore to do all the things i want to with them. I looked a blog of another fibro sufferer and she was a marathoner, and said "if i can do this, you can do this" and I was pissed! How dare she! Assume that we all can do what she is doing. No way would my body let me run a marathon, lots of people are on the couch 10 hours out of their day they are so crippled from pain, depression, and side effects of meds...oh how dare she!
                                       Then in the car on my way to The Warrior Dash this past Sunday I realized that, maybe that lady was not such a B word after all. I was thinking about how far I have come in the last few months, and if I would dare to blog about the dash for fear of pissing people off. I realized that we are all at different level of our struggle and just because she can run a marathon and I cant, doesn't mean she is suffering any less. There are a lot of people with Fibro and CFS that cannot even do this Warrior Dash, or much else for that matter. Does it mean I am suffering any less than the person next to me? HELL NO!! ~here come the tears~ I would give anything to be rid of this pain for one day, to feel "normal", to feel like everyone walking past me in the mall worried more about new shoes then how my back is killing me. I'd give anything to be happy when I wake up in the morning looking forward to my day instead of just waiting for bedtime to come back around again.
                                        My philosophy has been.."I'm in pain anyway, it might as well be for a purpose". At least I can control some aspect of what my body is going through. So I did the Warrior Dash. I finished in under an hour, I felt great. To my surprise I didn't really struggle too much on anything. I did go a little slower on a few obstacles where I potentially could have broken something if I fell. But its better for me to just ti  finish than to get hurt. I was really hungry afterwards and later that day had a little pain on the right side. Right ankle, right knee, right wrist and a little sore neck. But I was happy with that. Could have been worse. I felt like a fraud thinking about all the people who cannot do what I'm doing but I have to get over that too..I THINK I CAN KEEP GOING BECAUSE I KEEP GOING. If I didn't eat right and exercise on a regular basis I am sure  would be in even more pain, and able to do far less. So I embrace that the fact that I work my ass to feel as good as I can. I pay the extra for organic, hop around from BJ's to whole foods and use coupons BECAUSE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! And if someone else wants to think I am not in pain because I do these things and they can't, well shame on them.

Me on the right :)

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