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Bad day

Here we go with the dark days, causing my body to want to curl up in a ball, under the covers and just stay there all day. Winter time is terrible. Less sunlight and fresh air really does a number on my mood. Trying tricks that have worked in the past, and things I've read about and finding minimal relief. No matter how many blogs I read, or support groups I join I still feel alone. When I struggle through the day and wish for time to myself I never seem to get any but when I get a few moments here and there I don't have the energy to make the most of that time so I am still constantly feeling like I'm not getting anything done. Not my worst day but not my best.

I walked the walk

I did my 5k Saturday and I stuck to the plan of alternating running/walking so as not to put too much stress on my body. It was a little disappointing that I even had to do that. I wish I was in a place I was a year ago, or 4 years ago. But I am not. And so goes on with the lesson of acceptance. I did it, I finished, and only 2 and half minutes off from my time last year when I ran the whole way. So in that respect I am proud of myself, but I still have some internal embarrassment  that my health had deteriorated to the point where I had to walk at all in the first place. I don't know if this is because I just cant accept  that my old body is gone, or if its just a momentary feeling because I wasn't as fast as least year, but in any even I finished. I raised a lot of money for Special Olympics and my family is proud of me. I don't like when people call and ask me to do things that I cannot do because of my back, or whatever ailment of day might be plaguing me. It makes me feel like I have to explain my no answer and wonder if they think I'm making it up. I wonder if they even remember when they call that I have become much more physically limited than I have been. That's isolating. Feeling like everyone ele can do things I used to be able to do. Today I need more spoons. I cooked, I cleaned, I organized some photos for an upcoming show, had one day care kid and now I'm blogging. Dear lord I still have to do showers and bedtime routines   At least today I am in good spirits and my back only hurts a little. Oh yeah..and nothing went numb today..so there's that.

Too much exercise?

I signed up for a 5k and thought it would be a great way to stay motivated to run even though it has become increasingly harder. I know that my health has declined so much since my last run that I would not be able to keep pace with anyone on my team, and I was okay with that. I set a goal just to finish. I would not try to beat my time from last year, which was a hard decision because I am very competitive by nature. But I had to face that fact that my body would not allow me to do that anyway. So I  took it as s lesson in acceptance, and patience. Just finish. So I had been training to just finish, not excel. My run was Saturday. I did better than I thought I would. I was only 2 minutes behind my last time. But inside I still had some resentment and disappointment that my body is not in the same condition it was 10 years ago, or even last year for that matter. Then upon coming home it became harder and harder to walk as the day went on. The back pain, and pain from a pulled shoulder muscle nearly crippled me and I spent the rest of the day on the couch with heat patches and pain pills. Now I am struggling with the question that maybe running is not for me at all, or did I just push myself to hard during this one instance? I am trying to accept things and live each day the best I can, but the mental game is getting old. Guilt, disappointment, embarrassment, feeling like I cannot fully open up about this condition.Wanting to cry but not wanting to seem weak. Wanting to complain without whining, wanting to be strong and feeling like a fragile piece of glass. Days I'm optimistic and feel good I have hope and feel conflicted admitting I have anything wrong at all. But I ran. I raised a lot of money for a non profit organization, and my family is proud of me..but I am still struggling to be proud of myself. I am wondering if any of this goes away, or if continues on like my pain, and I just have to deal.