Monday, November 3, 2014

When you have a bad day...

When you have a bad day you feel weak, embarrassed, old, inferior and unequal. 

Even though I expect it, I explain it to people, and I know intellectually that it happens, I still get surprised and extremely frustrated when I get hit with a bad day. I have come to think that if I am not in a flare I am having a good day. Period. And since it is so long in between flares, I sometimes even feel I may be getting "better". Then emotionally, even after 10 years I am confused and a little shocked. I get angry. I get discouraged and I wonder if its something I ate, if I did too much house work, have too much stress or didn't take all my vitamins and my med. Head games. 
I can do a 5K. I can leg press 200 pounds. I can demolish a pantry cabinet and set up a new one. I can spend all day on my feet in the kitchen baking bread, cookies and cooking dinner.
                   Yup Yup

When I have a bad day I can barely walk to the bus stop without having to sit down after and recuperate. Just carrying the laundry basket up one flight of stairs makes me so winded that I feel like my chest might cave in on itself. I stand looking at the dishes not having the energy to actually do them. 

 I feel weak like a person of less value. Why? I am not insecure. I am not less than. I know none of that is true. But I have always felt my strength helps define me. I have always done the handy work and yard work, painting the house, and hanging with the guys. I have built things, used the table saw, lifted weights and just generally felt very independent.  Part of me feels special that way, and that I should hold myself to a higher standard. That's not true . We are all human and we cannot be perfect. Thats why they say "we are our own worst enemy". No one is harder on us than we are on ourselves and we need to just stop!! 
But I think secretly we all want to be perfect, and just can't admit it. So way down, where we never look, there's a place that still gets devastated when we have reality remind we are NOT.
When we have a bad day and cannot do what we want or once could, its like being punched in the gut with  a Mjolnir.
We miss out on events and feel like an unavailable spouse or parent. There's guilt and shame. Disappointment and anger.
When you have a bad day there's a lot more to it than just staying bed, and it all can make you feel worse. So I still, after 10 years, take all my own advice I give to others and try to accept more often than not, that some of this out out of my control. It cannot ALL be controlled with diet and exercise, sleep and meds. 
Breath, rest, save your emotional and mental energy. Think positive and plan for a better day.

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