Monday, March 31, 2014

Too bad that domain name already taken because I would LOVE to call it mine. I spend so much time being angry. Angry I can't do what I did, go where I used to, have the job I really want, or angry at the body I now have.I am working on letting it go.
 Part of that is to stop blaming everything I DON'T want to do on one of my conditions, and only blame my conditions for the things I really CAN'T do.

There are some things you cannot blame on Fibro, CFS, TMJ, MS, Insomnia or anything else.
"Oh I'm sorry I didn't call you back..did I forget? Well it's possible because my memory is sh*t these days..but no. I just didn't want to talk you!"
No I don't want to rearrange the plans I have had for 3 weeks to give you a ride.
No I'm not able to babysit I have too many things to do right now and I just can't swing it.
I don't have time. My husband will get upset. I'm not going without my kids. I don't have enough gas. I really need some down time with the dog.
And if they are real friends, even if they get a little frustrated or even temporarily pissed, well they will get over it. And if any of this is a deal breaker for friendship..well, then they aren't friends and you don't need them anyway!
BAM! POW! How ya like them apples? 
Sounded angry again? Woops!

Well it seems as though I fall back on my ailments as a reason (NOT an excuse) to get out of things and not participate in things that really will have no bearing on weather I flare or crash or even feel better. 
"I can' sit too long, stand too long, sit in the car too long, lift too much, run that fast, run that far....
That;s too cold, that's too rough, that too itchy and that smells too bad, that makes me dizzy...
That makes my head, wrist, back, knees elbows and ankles hurt too much....
That will give me too much anxiety and I might pass out!"

Well you know what? Sometimes I just dont want to go and I am tired of pretending I want to, but declining for health reasons. Its like the boy who cried wolf. At some point people will catch on that I am not always in such dire straights at the exact moment they require my attention!
Especially when I am posting race pictures or pictures from some awesome cake I just made right?!?!

So I am going to be more true to myself and others. For me those have been little white lies, like work lies, "i'm taking a sick day" to go to a baseball game, or school lies "the dog ate my report" to get an extra few days.....

But I always want people to put themselves first, be authentic. Now I'm not converting to Buddhism (although I have thought of it!),  nor have I had an out of body experience. I will not be going "off" on anything too cray cray...but I will be telling people "I just don't want to" a lot more often. It's freeing, honest, and somehow makes me feel 10 pounds lighter. Just saying "i'm really not feeling it right now, sorry. Maybe next time" OR "I really just need to sit with the dog under a blanket and have some ME time" ,makes me just a little less angry.

That's it. Simple. Try it


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