Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The setback (sshh don't tell anyone)

So I have been on a break from my 90 day program. On one hand i feel like a failure because I couldn't make 90 days. Then I realize the condition my body is in and how far I have come. I ease up on myself and realize that I am just listening to my body and responding to what it needs. I have pushed past what I thought I could do already, and I am hurting. So let the body rest. Then I go back to slapping myself (figuratively) in the face and getting mad. If I can push past this on so many levels before, why not this past week and a half? Well I did notice arms are getting numb and tingling at night when I sleep again which hasn't happened in a while, but the back pain and stiffness are less when I get up in the morning. Groggy but not angry which is good. But still hobbling all day on and off depending on what I have done/am doing. What makes last week different? What makes me special? Pain doesn't take a day off from kicking my ass so why should I take off from kicking its ass?! I feel guilty about feeling good, when I do it's like flaunting to me. Some people are on heavy meds, cant do anything or very little. I feel blessed I can do so many things most days, pissed when I can't, but I feel like I have to prove somehow what I have because when you look at me you don't see anything. I do things a lot of people with Firo can't and I don't know how I feel about it most days..Its a wicked mental game. So, workout; I started up again yesterday. Feeling it, but I'm back on track. So I will finish (behind) and I know I will always feel a little defeated when I look back and didn't do it in 90 days, but will remind myself I didn't quit.I will post a before and after pictures. (!) Not much difference it seems since I carried the weight pretty well in the first place, and in terms of numbers not so great because I put on more muscle. Everyone else says "oh yeah you can tell, and I can tell especially when trying on clothes that didn't fit last summer or winter for that matter. But, The goal is to feel better, getting things working right and not let Fibro win. That is being accomplished.
                                                      Meds update: I have been able to a difference with the supplements. Not huge, but yes I can see it. I am sleeping better/more, and my mood has been slightly better, although when I am down I am down with a vengeance. I forget to take them occasionally (not often) but I am wondering if it's that that has me all over the map or still just the general behavior of the Fibro. Who knows at this point. I still feel like I am faking it when I give people the positive attitude and a smile. I really want to say 'You have no idea! You can never know!" But my anger would be misdirected. I have to remember the power, and it has REAL power, of positive thinking. So I try to really feel it and believe it but it's so hard when you have felt so bad for so long...My doctor reminded me "It took along time for your body to get this way and it's going to take a long time to get better." Well I know this is true, but it's very hard to wait. especially for me. I like things fast. I want results fast, I want answers fast. I like to dance fast (belly dance over ballet any day!) I even like to walk fast.
                                                  Walk for Hunger update: I did the walk for hunger. I know right?! Like I'm not doing enough! Had one friend who did it with me and we stayed together for the first 10 1/2 miles. After the lunch/checkpoint  I had a discussion with myself. How do I feel? Well I feel great and I can do more. Is trying to walk slow helping me learn some patience? No. Is it a relaxing walk with conversation> No. My friend is fine. There are no issues with her other than the fact I was slowing up to stay with her a lot. A lot more than I would like to. So my next question was the decision maker. How am I going to feel when I'm done? If I go this slow, like crap. So this walk was for me, a challenge if you will more so than for many other healthy individuals. I wanted to know I did everything I could do. So i walked ahead. I walked my "normal" pace which is fast. I walk alone, without talking slowing me down, 10 minute miles. I walked at my ace, I went ahead, I threw on my ipod and I had a blast singing to myself, playing the drums on my leg and walking. It felt good. It was a l release much like running. Passing people feels great. Knowing I'm almost done feels great and knowing how much I did feels did. I raised with help of course $2,125 for hungry folks. That felt great too! I made Heart and Sole and Leadership circle. Now off to tackle another day and work some Fibro-fightng foods into my diet.. Have a wonderful day free of as much pain as possible

No comments:

Post a Comment