So I sat on the front porch trying to get some sun on my face, and I watched a man walk by with his fishing pole, a backpack and a coffee. I thought to myself how nice it is to be on your way to go do something you love.  Simple. People do things they love all the time but I don't think much about it. Actor are doing what they love. Parents, teachers, artists, and the list goes on and on. He didn't need anyone to go with him which made me feel a little envious. I thought about all the stuff I like to do and began to think maybe I am not so simple. I actually don't like to do much by myself. I will if I have to. I am secure in the fact that I don't "need" anyone to things with me, but I most definitely PREFER to have a friend or family member tag along. I don't know why I automatically assume this is a sign of weakness or insecurity. Does even thinking that itself make me insecure? So I thought about the things I love to do and how many have been alone and there were only a few. Going to the movies, scrap-booking in my kitchen, running down the bike path. Most everything else I have had some one come or I didn't do it. I now think this is not an insecurity or a weakness. It's just more fun. It's more fun when friends join in and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected and share in an experience with others.

I did another Warrior Dash a couple weeks ago at Gunstock Mt in NH. I actually was able to get a friend, but another friend (who got hurt just before and couldn't run), her husband, and 2 people who work in her office. My husband even jumped in. Although he said he would only do it once for the experience he had no interest in running around to all these mud runs. He said "that's your thing". Well, It felt so good to be with a bunch of people and be able to talk about it and compare notes and give different perspectives. I feel nothing wrong with wanting to part of group at all. I found the Wickedmuddy.com folks and have joined the team for a Adventure 5K race that hasn't happened yet but I was so nervous about meeting up with a large group of people I have never met. Now, not so much. It will be fun.

 The Warrior Dash course was the hardest yet because we had to go up and down the mountain 2 times. Not happy about the up at all. But the obstacles were easy and fun. I flew going down the mountain to try to make up some time. My only complaint was the giant slip and slide. Apparently it was on top of concrete and rocks. Why in the hell they would do this is beyond me. I guess that's why they make you sign a waiver! So my butt slammed every rock on the way down and even received a few small gashes as a result. Didn't see that till I got home. At the bottom of the slip and slide there were a ton of rocks you skidded over bare bottom because of the momentum you build up going down made it impossible to actually stop yourself at the end. OUCH!
 But we had a blast, we got our free beer although it was gross (Bud light) and my husband got hooked. He got home and jumped on the computer looking for more races! It felt good to have my husband part of something that had just been "my thing" up to that point.

       

Darling Hubby!

Now the flip side. I feel when I do these I can because I eat right and exercise. Having Fibro 2 years ago had me flat out and barely walking anywhere without feeling like I was going to die. If I didnt work so hard at trying to be healthy and pretend  like I don't have Fibro I would NOT be doing this. And its hard. Its hard reading labels and saying no to things you want and looking on line and asking doctors questions. But if you think you are worth it you will do it.
The last 2 days I have been in so much pain walking hurts. Talking hurts, and I'm moving so slow I am hardly getting anything done around the house at all. I was in bed all last night. I cannot believe I am the same person who does these 5K's. I just can't. It seems impossible the body I am in now is the same body that runs?! REALLY? How does that happen!  I know it's okay to take it easy but this is sh*t I hate about Fibro. One day you're good, the next a zombie. IT SUCKS! You feel alone, depressed, wishing it will end when it never can. It's a head game how some days you feel so good then it reminds you"HA HA" I'm not going anywhere. So I have engrossed myself in a new Facebook page to try to help myself and other people going through this know they are not alone. I'm hoping after I get my personal training certificate I can give even more advise.I'm trying to encourage. I'm trying to be positive, and also let people know there are people WHO FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. This thing has a horrible habit of making you feel alone and that NO ONE could possibly know what its like. But we do. WE ALL DO. So I will rest on my bad days, be my best on my good days and enjoy this wonderful new family I have found on Facebook. Who would have known?!

A little Zippity Do Da

Fibromyalgia and my other half..

I have pain, it gets worse in the winter. In the winter I try not to leave my house unless I absolutely have to. Even when I have to take my kids to dance or wherever they may need to go I find myself feeling resentful from time to time. I secretly wish..awe who am I kidding, it's no secret! I wish I didn't have to leave the house for anything at all. Then I feel guilty about it. I want my kids involved in activities, having a life and I love to watch fro the sidelines, through the window or form the audience. But I always feel half involved. Half  invested, half interested, even half awake. So much of this syndrome I feel like I am only living half my life. In my head I have so much I want to do, and I remember when I did it all. But I also have the reality of what I can do now and how I feel now. I try not to feel like I got robbed, of anything, but I have. When I think about how I used to feel I get very sad, so I try not to. I try to be positive because all the studied show how important it is. I know when I force myself to walk or run or do a Warrior Dash or go to Six Flags with the kids, I will pay for it later. But I feel better for participating because for a little while, I feel like I won and Fybromyalgia lost. When I feel the guilt (and lets face it, sometimes embarrassment) for slowing down and falling behind when everyone else is racing off to the next roller coaster, I have to remind myself "at least I'm here" and I hope that's what they remember.Not that everywhere we went my back hurt, or how many things I stayed home for because I was too tired or sore, while they went alone with their dad.

So I try to join groups and pages on facebook. I even started one recently. I read everybody's blogs, and try to be involved in taking control of this thing since so much in NOT in my control. I need to stay busy and not just with housework!! It's a terrible juggling act trying to live to the fullest potential this body will let me. Between being tired, angry, a mom, a wife, feeling sad, being  in pain, depressed, and then feeling good...yikes!  Everything seems 10x's harder for me to do than everyone else, yet there are so many people who can't even do some of the things I can. So then I feel better, but guilty I feel better because someone is worse off. But is that really wrong? Don't we sometimes measure ourselves by what we can can do compared the next person? We aren't supposed to.But we do from time to time. And that's the way it is. I said it. Yeah, I am glad for myself, when I see people in so much pain and bed ridden, "at least I can run". When someone says they cant even stand for more than 15 minutes at a time I say "at least I can ride my bike". So I guess I don't feel bad that much because my heart also breaks for those people. And if I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away I would. If granted one wish it would be to wipe this out and make it no more, forget the money!

I try to pass on info on healthy eating, new pain management therapies and what ever knowledge I have. If I make one person feel like the day is not bad I will. But it would also be nice if I didn't always feel too tired to do it! I have a race coming up on Saturday. I have to try not compare myself to all the super fit people blowing past me with rockets on their feet.  I don't know if I'm ready but I will do my best and that's all I can do. That's any of us can do. 

OUR BEST

Why Fibromyalgia Is Worse For Women Who Are Night Owls

This is a very interesting video. It's only a couple minutes but worth watching. He makes a valid point about the tender point method of diagnosing Fibro, and that pain may not be the most prominent symptom. ( Not always anyway). I know this to be true from personal experience. Some days the depression or brain fog are more invasive and disruptive than the pain ever could be. I like his explanation for the new ways of testing/diagnosing and hope people realize they really may need to find another doctor if they are not diagnosing correctly because in reality Fibromyalgia mimics or vise-versa  so many other diseases and syndromes you want to really make sure it is Fibro you actually have so you can begin to treat its symptoms CORRECTLY and KICK IT'S BUTT!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbJW0sZRLiY&feature=share

Fibromyalgia Patients Self-Medicating With Cannabis May Have Poor Mental Health Outcomes

With all the newest news about how cannabis is helpful for relief of Fibro symptoms I saw this today and felt obligated to share....
This information is not a surprise to me, as I have always said no matter how bad it gets, this is not an option for me! Even in high school when they show the scan of the brain of a smoker vs non smoker there is damage, HOLES if you will, dead spots.Pain or no pain, I'll pass, but if it helps someone, well that's their choice and I'm glad they feel better!


Fibromyalgia Patients Self-Medicating With Cannabis May Have Poor Mental Health Outcomes