Why Do You Blog?

I blog because in some way I find it therapeutic to write down what I'm going through. It helps me process through it and be able to know that putting it out there for the world makes it very real, and whatever it is I have to face it and be accountable. I also do it because I know somewhere there is someone going through the same thing I am. I don't do it to brag, complain, or even pretend to be an expert on anything. I do it so if someone feels the same way I happen to feel, they know they are not alone. And sometimes that can make all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  I have read a post that says "I know it hurts" and teared up.  When I see the words "no one can motivate you but you" I get a little more hopeful. When There is a picture of a person slumped over and it says "don't give up"..well..I decide that day I won't pack it in.
I dont know the people personally on the pages and blogs that I follow but you read the struggle and follow for months or years what they have to say you feel like you are invested in their health. You want to know if things work, you feel badly when they are having a awful time of it. And i think these connections are what keep us going, despite all that we have to deal with.

There is a reason why people start support groups and organizations. Its so people can be in the company of others who are going through the same thing. Feeling LESS alone is critical to healing in my opinion. When you are in pain, or struggling mentally, even feeling depressed, it can be greatly  amplified by the fact you feel alone. And conversely it can diminish those feelings just enough to know you may make it through another day.

Jan Fears Says:
"I blog b/c I can connect w/others with my same sufferings. The Drs do NOT seem to truly understand how deeply these diseases affect us. Mentally, physically & emotionally. We are so depressed at times that we honestly want to die. I can only speak for myself on these matters. Pain is an evil thing that works on you 24/7 even tho I take 5 different pain meds, I still cry with pain. I have withdrawn from living that I rarely leave the house. I have to leave to go to Dr appointments for pain meds, I try to go to a store on that day or get my hair cut so I don't go out again. I don't have any friends outside of FB bloggers. My Husband does all the shopping & cleaning for us. 

I had to move to the 'Guest Bedroom' b/c of my lack of ability to sleep & me not being able to be touched when I do 'cat nap' . My skin feels like it is bruised ALL the time, so when I get bumped or touched it feels like I get hit. When I get my B/P taken at the Drs office, I have tears rolling down my face B/C of the pain. When I swell & the Dr mashes his thumb on my leg, checking the swelling, tears roll due to the pain. The Dr says he is sorry, but I don't think he truly understands how much pain I am in. I have fibromyalgia, Sjogrens & Osteo Arthritis that cause my pain. I'm only 59 but I feel over 100! With us exchanging how we feel, how we deal with pains, how we handle our lives we learn how to live better w/all of our afflictions. 
Mentally, going day to day in pain, your attitude towards life changes. Your way of thinking changes. Everything changes! The way I dress, looser clothes b/c tight or fitted clothes hurt me. I thought I was having a heart attack one time - no, just chest muscles aching b/c I was dressed with a bra on all week. I can't wear "going off" clothes every day - ya know the standard tee shirt & jeans.
To walk around I use a cane. I do this because my feet, ankles & knees are unsteady."

Terrie Smith Freeman Says:

" I blog for the support and comprehension of others who have walked a mile in these shoes." 

So please share with me why you blog and feel free to include a link to your site :) 

We are all in this together!

We Are Indefatigable!

How can we not be? We get up every day and take on a challenge the not a lot of people around us can understand. Many would ask to be stranded on the top of Mt Everest in the middle of the winter before they volunteered to take this on. We often complain and we are just in doing so. We are tired all the time. We hurt all the time. We have to keep going even when it truly feels like that is not even an option. Someone asked the other day “How do you explain the fatigue from fibro in contrast to the fatigue from a long day at work?” This was (part of) my answer:

“…when it’s fibro fatigue I want to sell my kids, divorce my husband, and sell my soul to be left alone to lay down and die”

So often we focus on the facts, and the facts are painful. There are a lot of things we can no longer do, or do less often. It has changed the way we eat and sleep. It has changed relationships and job status. Everyday experiences are more stressful, less enjoyable and quite often are avoided. It has changed the way people perceive us and even worse it has changed the way we perceive ourselves. It takes over every molecule of our being so it’s only natural to change along with it.

But the reality is we are stronger than these little bodies try to make us believe. I always call Fibro a cannibal because over the years that's the best way I have found to describe it. It eats away at you from the inside out and even gets you to destroy yourself. But you are MUCH stronger. Muscle weakness shmeakness I say. We are not special because we are ill. 

America is supposed to have the best health care, and by study after study you can clearly see we are the sickest and most unhealthy people anywhere.

. How many diseases, syndromes and conditions cause muscle weakness? How many cause unimaginable fatigue? How many change the way we live our lives? How many cause depression anxiety and mind numbing pain? Uuuuummmm a lot! In fact most of them. Even when you see the uber positive, crazy happy people…you all know one at least. They are never pessimistic or negative. The ones who SAY “I didn’t change anything… I am still a great wife, I still work, I still bike and I am kicking this thing in the teeth and I will not be held hostage by this”, well they still have changed. They change what they eat, the medications they take, or treatments they receive.  They change the circle of support they have to incorporate people who are also ill. And yes, that means they have changed. They adapted to the new body and like it or not they reach acceptance with it. You can say you will never accept it or you are still fighting it. I hear it all the time. I did it myself for a long time.

"I have learned nothing

I am not better off

Nothing good came out of this

I am not thankful for any of it

I wish I would die

No one knows what I feel like"

It’s a process, a long ever changing, difficult to master process.

But you did accept it, at least in part. The fact that you looked for answers means you accepted it. Looked for the right doctor, joined support groups and read books on it. You may not be happy about it but you know it’s there and you can’t deny it. But I say we are special, not because we are ill, but because we continue to live with illness. We could lay down and die, take a bunch of pills or  drive that car into the lake. But we don’t. We are indefatigable. 

We wake up everyday and do all over again that which cannot be done. We live every minute with something there seems to be no cure for. We live with people misunderstanding us, judging us, and telling us everything that’s different from what we used to be. We live everyday not knowing what our bodies will do next to betray us next. We live with the side effects and collateral damage. We live. We keep on living. We do anything and everything we can to get through each damned day and we do not rest until these bodies demand we rest, and even then we are NOT happy about it. There is always something else we would rather be doing. ALWAYS! How can that possibly mean we are any less than anyone else? We are not. You are not. I am not. I say it makes us stronger.

This is not a “think positive” speech because either you do, you don’t, or your working on it. But you can train your brain to work with you. To realize you are not less than anyone else. You have adapted to your conditions like the Red Squirrel, Arctic Fish or even us having 5 fingers. Adaptations are to help survive in harsh conditions and that’s what the body is doing. You are tired because your body needs that energy to fight off the invaders! That doesn’t make you lazy! What? You are adapting for crying out loud! Stop thinking of yourself as weak, tired, or incapable! And if you have to fake it till you make it…try this;

• Instead of saying: I was too tired
• Say: I chose not to do that today
• Instead of saying: It hurts too much
• Say: I’ll try it again later
• Instead of saying: I can’t
• Say: I don’t want to right now
• Instead of saying: That always causes a flare
• Say: that’s not the best thing for me
• Instead of saying: I wish it would just go away
• Say: Someday it will hurt less, I can wait
• Instead of saying: Why is this happening to me
• Say: I will learn to listen to my body
• Instead of saying: No one knows what I feel like
• Say: There are a lot of people going through the same thing, boy are we strong

Retrain your brain! 

Dum dum dum dum dum...”I pick things and put them down” HA sorry,  I had to.

If all you can do fake it, then fake it!! You know you have already had a lot of practice faking plenty of things like..oh, lets see, do I need to make a list? Naa, Im done with list making for today. But I will leave you with one, The biggest fake out perpetrated by you and everyone with chronic pain and illness..

"I’m  Fine"

So drop the fine and declare that you are adaptable, capable, and Friggin’A you are 

Indefatigable!!

I Am Fibrotastic!

In my early 20’s I became increasingly more fatigued than I had previously been. My concentration was off. My muscles were sore all the time. I did not sleep well, and felt as though my life was always moving too fast and it took all my energy to keep up with it. I was trying to juggle a small child, college classes on and off, parties with friends on the weekend, and I worked. Sometimes multiple jobs. So when I looked for a reason why I felt the why I did, it was obvious. The stress of being a young single parent and all the responsibilities that come with it was always number one on the list. Working at a health club, babysitting weekend nights and staying up all night were all next in line. I went to counseling to learn how to manage my life and although somewhat helpful, I was told I had Adult ADD, that I was bi-polar, and had manic depressive tendencies. No thanks. I didn't like that but what can I do. They are the doctors right?

 Don't they know best? After trial and error for years with multiple medications, lets face it TONS of medications and lifestyle changes nothing ever really improved. So I gave up.

In my early 30’s when my second child was a year old I came down with meningitis. After this episode I never seemed to fully recover. Widespread body pain and fatigue were ruling my life. Most days I was forcing myself to stay on my feet and get through the day, get chore done and not look weak or lazy. I was now married and had more responsibility and could not figure out why life seemed so unfulfilled. Yet another year later the signs of meningitis reared its ugly head and I was back at the hospital for a second time. Who in the world ever heard of such a thing?! By now I think I am a medical mystery, an anomaly. I am messed up! I began to do less and less of things I enjoyed, became anxious in certain situations, withdrew from friends. I suffered from injuries and winter illnesses that seemed to never want to heal or go away. Headaches and pain were at an all time high. I finally decided something was wrong with me and it must have been the meningitis.

I searched the internet, read books from the library and although I realized I do in fact have ADD, there were too many other possibilities out there for me to diagnose myself with anything. Finally I decided I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew changing my diet would be nothing but helpful. I did that and no change really made much of a difference. In between numerous doctors’ appointments with dismissive answers, my in home daycare children, foster children and my own third baby, I ended up having to scale back, and eventually quit everything to just sit home and be sick. I felt like a failure and a loser. I felt weak and ashamed that my body could not keep up with everything my heart wanted to do. I gained weight, lost hope and became very angry. In seeing a Rheumatologist for another injury, he quickly changed his line of questioning, did the tender point test and diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. I went home searched the internet to find out exactly what that was and then had my greatest A-HA moment in years. I was so  happy to have a diagnosis that validated me. Now I knew what was wrong all these years! I was not crazy! I was not lazy. I was not being a drama queen and I WAS NOT making it up!! Happy happy joy joy!!

Then I cried. For a long time. Like days..in the shower, in the car, in the bed....It seemed I was doomed to a life of pain with no help or cure in sight. The emotional fallout was much greater and complicated than I can ever put into words.  I ended up on disability and just plain miserable.

At 39 I decided to try diet change again but his time be more strict. The information was mostly incomplete and contradictory and the only common denominator I found in hundreds of hours of research was diet. Maybe helped a lot or a little but it was obvious that was a factor. No artificial ingredients, no caffeine, gmo, hfs, etc. and as little processed foods as possible. As clean as I could afford. I even cleaned out the house of chemicals, hair products, tore up carpet you name it. I went all out. This time it made a noticeable difference. Right away I felt like I had a little more energy, and I was less heavy, angry and also has fewer digestive issues. I felt good enough to start running and working out again, where I had done in the past, but then it became too painful. Shortly after, bringing my youngest to preschool I met another mom there who was a doctor. We got a little friendly and after a few of my side handed comments like “I’m always so tired” and “everything hurts” she  said she would love to see me (as a patient) and try to figure out what was going on. I declined for a while. Beside the fact that it had the potential to be awkward, I was suffering from doctor fatigue. I did not want to go through that anguish of hearing “its tendinitis, I have to lose weight, it will go away eventually, or all new moms feel like this”. Eventually winter had destroyed me yet again and I figured what do I have to lose?

She did testing no one had ever done before. I had Fibromyalgia for sure, but also some overlapping Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I was hypothyroid, and had Adrenal Fatigue. Other side conditions from the high stress and wacky hormones also developed or had become worse, like TMJ, depression and anxiety. Throughout this process I discovered it all led back to the birth of my first child. I had been living with this for an astonishing 22 years, all the while it was getting worse with every stress or trauma. She put on supplements specific to my needs based on those tests and a thyroid medication. I exercised a minimum of 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. It hurt. It was not easy. But every day I could do a little more and a little more. Sometimes I cried while I ran around the track, other times I yelled at the tv and cursed the maker of the dvd, but my it was helping me. I could see it and feel it. And combined with the healthy diet I felt like a human again. I decided to be in control. If I could not cure it I would mold it. I was in pain anyway, so I decided I would benefit from it by building a stronger body for it to live in. Feeling sore from a workout is mentally and emotionally more empowering than feeling the pain from Fibro itself.

 Although there are “flares” and bad days still, they are happening less and less often. Overall life is much better. I have less pain and less depression. But those days are fewer and fewer. I was able to start working and start a support group. I am running and participating in obstacle course races and feel great most days. I started an organization for people with who suffer with chronic pain who also stay as active. They get together for events, give support, suggestions and share stories of accomplishments. I never would have been able to get any of this done without educating myself, having the support of a good doctor and a supportive family.

My advice to anyone is to know you are you are important. Your life matters. No one will fight for you as hard as you will fight for yourself so do not give up. Keep looking for the right doctor, vitamins, or exercise. Try everything alternative as well as modern. Know it will most likely be a combination of things that help, just as it is a combination of things that are making you ill. It may take months or years but it’s worth it. You have to form a front of every level. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual so it has no chance but to back down. I know it hurts. I still cry. I still curse the gods. Its okay.

JUST DON'T GIVE UP!

Don't Worry Be Happy!

Sounds easy when its in a song right? Harder to practice in real life. But you can. You can practice and you can be happy. Not every minute. Its real life for crying out loud..but more than you are now!
Okay this is my speech for the day because I am just so moved to do so..I posted this last night on a couple of my pages, and got little response.

" It is important to remember that your own thoughts and beliefs do manifest themselves physically, and can affect your overall health and mood. 

Start changing your mentality today by starting your day off with positive imagery. 

You can also ponder on the many ways in which you can use your own gifts and talents each day to better the world and create the change you would like to see in your daily life."    

This is true. Like being nervous can cause you to sweat or have to pee! Like getting embarrassed can cause you to blush! The chemical makeup of happy tears are DIFFERENT than tears of sadness! The list can go on..you get the point. There are proven physical reactions to your emotions. 

That reminded me (even though I don't like to make generalizations), it is in fact true, that there are majorities of people in the general populous that act or think a certain way. I have to say not a lot of people are PRO active.This is not for the people who are very engaged in their health and stay informed educated and try everything they possibly can. There are those of us who do EVERYTHING and then some. Kudos to you all!! But there are those who are NOT.  Those who are in real true pain, so bad they can barely function. And do nothing about it. Those are the ones who make me very extremely sad for their future, because they dont even think they  have one. They have lost hope and  are too tired to do anything except breathe.

 They are REactive. And so often I hear "I cant, it hurts, you have no idea..." And I get it. I of all people get it. But you have to be proactive if you want to have success. Especially us with illness. Quit smoking, skip that soda, don't let people get you angry, learn to let it go and take your emotional and mental health into just as much consideration as you would a child who fell off a bike.If it hurts don't give up just do less, do it more slowly or less often, but it will ALWAYS hurt if you don't try at all. Do you need those oreos?  Do you have to get revenge? Do you have to turn your stomach over things you cannot control? Not really. Just realize for everything you do there is a consequence. Weather its an extra 3 pounds, a flare, prolonging an argument with someone, stiff neck or a missed appointment and now you have fee's that you cant afford to pay...there are physical reactions in your body and you need to do whats best for your body. Make the best decision for you and be happy with it. Use your ability for independent thinking and use those emotions to better yourself. Don't take on the negative energy from those around you. Release it back to them.YOU HAVE TO. you owe it to yourself. So walk 5 minutes, stop sucking down the diet soda by gallon, read about emotional healing, take a yoga class, empower yourself to get a new doctor, make that call you have dreading to make, forgive yourself and don't expect perfection, ......DO WHAT EVER it take s to move FORWARD! DO NOT GET STUCK!! YOU ARE NOT YOUR ILLNESS!! YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE!!

God didn't give me Fibromyalgia

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"

I just saw one person post this to another person who was sharing some bad news of new diagnosis'.
Although it is a standard and sincere response to bad or overwhelming news, I think it's not true. In fact there are plenty of people who can't handle it and end up on heavy meds, committing suicide, divorcing and isolating friends and family, lose their job and have no money for medical bills and become crippled by illness or trauma,  and yes, some just go crazy. Some people really go crazy. And that is life.

You hope you are strong enough, you hope there is a reason, and you have faith that you will survive, come out stronger and even maybe learn something. So to say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"  I think is not something I personally want to hear.
Tell me please that you think I am strong enough to get through it.
Tell me you think I am smart enough to figure something out. Tell me you think I am determined enough to find a better way                            and maybe teach somebody else something useful along the way. Ask me exactly what I want to hear from you that will help, and then say that. 

Because I do believe in God, but I do not believe he gave me Fibromyalgia

I'm not just tired, I'm "Fired"~Fibro-Tired

Tired of the backache
Tired of the heating pad
Tired of  silencing my moans getting up off the couch
Tired of pulled muscles
Tired of ringing in my ears
Tired of muscle stiffness
Tired of popping pills
Tired of neck pain
Tired of complaining
Tired of forgetting where I was going
Tired of feeling weak
Tired of simple chores taking hours and days
Tired of  not being able to focus
Tired of  not being able to sleep
Tired of  not being able to wake up
Tired of explaining
Tired of simple tasks causing pain that lasts for days
Tired of  the headache
Tired of  the burning
Tired of cancelling plans
Tired of the doctors office
Tired of  the muscle spasms
Tired of   forgetting what I was saying
Tired of  moving
Tired of  of staying still
Tired of  feeling guilty
Tired of  having to be strong
Tired of the vision problems
Tired of walking like an 150 old person
Tired of the anxiety
Tired of ALL the pain

Tired of being Fired

Things people without chronic pain take for granted

We know we have pain, we know people who don't have pain can't understand fully the depths to which it reaches. Instead of complaining about all the things we have to rearrange, suffer through, plan for and deal with..I have decided to put it in the form of a list that's easy for people to read. And those of you who don't suffer I ask, can you deal with this?

• Changes in eating patterns, too much or too little. Weight gain and weight loss. New food sensitivities causing stomach pain, headaches, rash, muscle pain. Never knowing if what you are eating will make you worse.
• Changes in sleep patterns. Never being able to fall asleep at night no matter what you try. Being tired all day long no matter what you try. 
• Lack of sleep impairing your judgement and mental focus.
• Major differences in daily life include:
• Cooking and Cleaning.
• Talking on the phone
• Driving
• Showering: Even water hurts your skin, holding your head back to wash your hair can be impossible. 
• Going to the bathroom
• Carrying heavy laundry baskets
• Pushing heavy carriages in the store
• Reaching for things or stretching causes a charlie horse, muscle cramps, or muscle spasms.
• Bending over to tie shoes or put socks on hurts or pulls muscles
• Having muscle pain that never ends day in and day out. Sometimes so severe it cripples you and confines you to the bed, couch, or house. You cry, you ache, and beg and plead and pray for it to end and it never does. 
• Trying to find a doctor educated enough to help you rather throe meds at you. Or worse have to go from one to another because they don't believe you at all.
• Unable to sit for long periods of time. Playing  on the floor or doing homework with children, hobbies, even watching tv becomes a painful task
• Unable to stand for long periods of time. 
• Unable to walk around for long periods of time.
• Work becomes compromised. 
• Relationships become strained.
• Day trips, vacations, live shows, walking around the mall, even grocery shopping have to be limited and planned.
• Constantly trying new medications that don't work. When you find one that does work and you start to feel better and have relief it stops working and you have to go back to try something new. 
• Forgetting things in mid sentence, people names or where you were driving to.
• Taking one pill for pain, another because that makes you nauseas, another because that makes you tired, and another because that one causes headaches and ...really do I need to go on?
• More prone to injury and illness, and slower recovery time afterwards.
• Symptoms get worse, then better, then worse and there is no predictability to it other than being unpredictable
• Never being able to get treatments that may help because they are too expensive and insurance doesn't cover it.
• Exercise habits change. Your body can no longer do what you want it to. You push and push because you have the drive and determination and then suffer for 3 days afterwards because it causes your body to flare. Some days you can run a mile, and some days just getting up the stairs gets you winded and causes back pain.
• Bright light  and loud sounds hurts your eyes and head
• Pulling muscles at random times for no reason. Getting bruises easily even when you don't remember bumping into anything.
• Feeling good and doing things you have neglected, only to be in severe pain because of it.
• Being in relentless pain, your body is on fire, and no one can even see it on the outside.
• Knowing there is no cure and no treatment 

• Psychological distress
• Stress
• Depression
• Frustration
• Guilt
• Impaired memory
• Anxiety
• Headaches/migraines
• Digestive disorders
• Muscle aches, pain and stiffness and burning
• Weakened immune system
• Too tired or too painful to enjoy sexual relations
• Being misunderstood
• Financial devastation
• Lack of interest in things or people
• Heightened sensitivity to light, sound, taste and textures.

So I am going to ask you again. Can you deal with this? 

YOU MATTER!

Why is it when after a handful of doctors who pat you on your back and send you on your way, do you still hold out hope for the one who will believe you. The one who will help you. That one particular doctor who will understand and not make you feel like a ticket at the deli counter? I say because the human spirit never dies. We want to keep going. We want to  stay connected. We want to feel things like acceptance, happiness, pride, understanding, love, hope, and most of all...we want to be free from pain. NO ONE makes this up as a way to avoid going to work. It's not convenient to be absent from every special event. It's not fun to miss your kids soccer practice, wife's speech, or husbands xmas party. And we certainly would love to go hang out at Starbucks and have a latte with our friends. But sometimes we can't. No matter how bad we want to we can't. Depression is crippling, pain is debilitating, and life as we knew it is broken.
 Humans have the amazing ability of  awareness. The greatest kind, self awareness. It is an ability to know your not being told accurate information. It is an ability to know your body better than anyone else could possibly know it. It is an ability to have the strength to keep going when everyone else is telling you there's nothing left to do. So I say take this amazing ability you have and don't take no for an answer when it concerns your illness or disability. Beg, borrow, barter, or steal as you see fit to get your voice heard. Your spirit is speaking to you and you have to listen, and obey.

YOU MATTER! 

YOU MATTER! 

YOU MATTER! YOU MATTER! YOU MATTER! 

Fibromyalgia and my other half..

I have pain, it gets worse in the winter. In the winter I try not to leave my house unless I absolutely have to. Even when I have to take my kids to dance or wherever they may need to go I find myself feeling resentful from time to time. I secretly wish..awe who am I kidding, it's no secret! I wish I didn't have to leave the house for anything at all. Then I feel guilty about it. I want my kids involved in activities, having a life and I love to watch fro the sidelines, through the window or form the audience. But I always feel half involved. Half  invested, half interested, even half awake. So much of this syndrome I feel like I am only living half my life. In my head I have so much I want to do, and I remember when I did it all. But I also have the reality of what I can do now and how I feel now. I try not to feel like I got robbed, of anything, but I have. When I think about how I used to feel I get very sad, so I try not to. I try to be positive because all the studied show how important it is. I know when I force myself to walk or run or do a Warrior Dash or go to Six Flags with the kids, I will pay for it later. But I feel better for participating because for a little while, I feel like I won and Fybromyalgia lost. When I feel the guilt (and lets face it, sometimes embarrassment) for slowing down and falling behind when everyone else is racing off to the next roller coaster, I have to remind myself "at least I'm here" and I hope that's what they remember.Not that everywhere we went my back hurt, or how many things I stayed home for because I was too tired or sore, while they went alone with their dad.

So I try to join groups and pages on facebook. I even started one recently. I read everybody's blogs, and try to be involved in taking control of this thing since so much in NOT in my control. I need to stay busy and not just with housework!! It's a terrible juggling act trying to live to the fullest potential this body will let me. Between being tired, angry, a mom, a wife, feeling sad, being  in pain, depressed, and then feeling good...yikes!  Everything seems 10x's harder for me to do than everyone else, yet there are so many people who can't even do some of the things I can. So then I feel better, but guilty I feel better because someone is worse off. But is that really wrong? Don't we sometimes measure ourselves by what we can can do compared the next person? We aren't supposed to.But we do from time to time. And that's the way it is. I said it. Yeah, I am glad for myself, when I see people in so much pain and bed ridden, "at least I can run". When someone says they cant even stand for more than 15 minutes at a time I say "at least I can ride my bike". So I guess I don't feel bad that much because my heart also breaks for those people. And if I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away I would. If granted one wish it would be to wipe this out and make it no more, forget the money!

I try to pass on info on healthy eating, new pain management therapies and what ever knowledge I have. If I make one person feel like the day is not bad I will. But it would also be nice if I didn't always feel too tired to do it! I have a race coming up on Saturday. I have to try not compare myself to all the super fit people blowing past me with rockets on their feet.  I don't know if I'm ready but I will do my best and that's all I can do. That's any of us can do. 

OUR BEST

Alone and Invisible

I am trying so hard not to cry today. Feel so depressed and tired. My body hurts so completely right now even my hair hurts. I don't know how I keep going. I wish I didn't have to keep going. Housework, children, meals, homework, husband, pets, phone calls and bills...and all I want to is cry. There's no one to call to get me off the ledge. No one in my circles who really know what I am going through.

I read blogs, search sites and "see" others going through the same thing but it's relative to them in their life. Even when I am positive way deep down there is a nagging voice that tells me I am alone. Alone in my world surround by people who will never "get it". And although I know I need to get over it, it is heartbreaking. We are raised to strive for connections. In effect to share. In both work and personal life we instinctively want to connect. Human beings are social animals. To find and share love, friendship, generosity, money, home, food, work, and pleasures. All these things are a far greater experience when you do it with others, and for others. As with all illness, especially INVISIBLE ones, we are robbed of some of that experience. Even in circles of support and groups of fellow sufferers. The ability to identify is helpful but not complete. I am left with the knowledge that no on can share this with me. No one can lessen it, or make it appear to be any better than it really is. I have to feel every nanosecond of the pain alone, but I get share everything I can when I am well. Tomorrow I may feel differently, but today it just makes me want to cry.


6 Fun Ways To Beat The Blues!
Bad Mood Busting Foods: http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression-pictures/bad-mood-busting-foods.aspx?xid=tw_depression_20120124_depression#/slide-1

Sometimes People Just Don't Understand

Today I am tired of reminding people things aren't always as easy for me. Running a mile is like running a marathon, housework is like an obstacle course, scheduling events and appointments is like taking S.A.T's....I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.

"That's all I have to say 'bout that!"